Recently I made a choice that feels like bungee jumping, and I’m petrified of heights.
I’ve never bungee jumped, but I’d love to someday.
I envision the process of me bungee jumping as: crawling to the middle of the suspension because I wouldn’t be able to walk, then finally standing up and everyone strapping on the harnesses and stuff for me because I’d be terrified stiff, then wobbling to the ledge with my eyes closed, jumping before I’m actually ready because I’ll never be ready (or someone might have to push me off, like when I tried trapeze once), screaming the whole way down and wondering when this is all over, and when I’ve reached at the end of my rope and am hanging upside down – I’d wonder why I was ever so scared that I’d die.
The process of weighing the pros and cons, consulting trusted friends and spiritual mentors, praying night after night felt like that crawl to the middle of the suspension. The process was long and arduous, and I never thought I’d be able to make a choice. But I did!
After a choice comes the consequences.
The consequence of choosing to bungee jump is bungee jumping. So I took that jump, and the consequence was the fall after the jump.
I thought that once I took that jump, everything would be smooth-sailing since gravity does its thing.
But I forget that when you jump, sometimes the downward fall is worse than the build-up because you have even less control of where you’re going or how long the fall is, and you’re just waiting for it all to end for a shred of stability, peace and normalcy again.
One of my favourite stories is when Ryan (@ryannnosaurus) got an entire car for free.
I think of that story often when I struggle with waiting on God’s miraculous power. Like I believe in God and all that He’s done, but my wrong follow-up @God is: why can’t You do it again NOW?
A few years back, Ryan couldn’t attend university at the same time that his peers did because of financial reasons. A few months later, even though Ryan and his mother still weren’t financially ready, they felt the timing was right to apply for university, and Ryan got into university with a scholarship attached.
But the scholarship didn’t cover all of the tuition, nor could he physically get to university everyday because it was a 6-person household with only 1 car. The deadline for putting a deposit down was inching closer, and it seemed impossible that he would go to university by the next semester.
It was crazy enough that Ryan and his mother received large sums of angel donations within a week from a range of relatives and friends, including a fully-functioning car for free after that week. All of which came just in time for him to be able to attend university with the regular intake of new students and not randomly in the middle of the year.
But the crazier part of all of this is: their needs were not publicly known; only God knew the exact amounts and the needs that they were lacking. They never advertised exactly what they needed. No one knew Ryan needed a car.
Yet, Ryan and his mother trusted in God so much, that according to screenshots of his mother’s text testimony to her relatives:
‘we decided to wait on the Lord to direct us, if it’s His will, He will open the way and provide for my friend.’
The words ‘wait’ and ‘if’ struck me as I reread that testimony for this post.
The uncertainty loomed over their heads, and they could’ve been massively wrong about God’s prompting for Ryan to go to university at that time. But God blesses those who abide in His will (Psalm 119), and His reward is the shift from our prayer of ‘if it is His will’ into His undeniable command of ‘when it is His will’.
God does miracles that are impossible for humans to accomplish, and He does those miracles in His time.
They took the jump, and they were falling, fast. But as they fell, they waited patiently, and placed all their hopes on a divine ‘if’. And the God that parted the Red Sea, that brought down the walls of Jericho with trumpets, that conquered death three days later, proved that He is still that God today.
I believe God answers prayers, always.
I’ve heard that the three answers He gives are Yes, No and Later.
Right before I make any major choice or decision, I always pray that God’s will be done and that my heart will end up where His heart is, especially if it wasn’t where His heart was in the first place.
So once I got an answer from God to jump, I did so. He blesses those who are obedient and faithful, right?
I had a plan after my choice. A timeline of how the sequence of events will turn out.
If I had my way, I’d be on track and at peace with the way things turned out exactly as I have planned. But my way isn’t always God’s way, and God always has His way*.
*(If you believe that God’s way>My way is an infringement on my freedom of choice, remember that my choice was first to obey God’s prompt to jump – I could’ve just stayed safe.)
Now I’m in a freefall, feeling out of control, getting closer and closer to a harsh landing. In a moment of deep anxiety where I felt my body crush under the pressure of waiting, God turns my question back to me:
Do you truly believe that I bless true obedience and faithfulness?
Because when you don’t, you can trust that I’ll still pull you back up. I’m that good. I love you that much.
But when you do truly trust Me completely, then you will have the joy and peace to enjoy the falling, the waiting, the uncertainty of when you’ll reach the end of this jump. The journey is just as rewarding, beautiful, fulfilling as the initial jump, as long as you rest in My hope and goodness. I’m bigger than your imagination of who I am, and I’m with you each step of the way.
Someday the falling sensation will end, and I will be where God wants me to be. Until then, I am enjoying the freefall, arms spread out, heart wide open.