Lent 2020 – Day 13

Objectively, today was a good day. I woke up for an early morning call, I took a nap, I had time to journal and get a walk by the oceanside, I get to attend an online Bible class about the Old Testament (I love it by the way).

Yet I said something that wasn’t exactly stupid, but harsh on myself, during the last bit of the class where it was just the last few earnest students who liked to stay for the Q&A section.

Someone asked if I was an extrovert or introvert, and I said I’m both. People were like that’s amazing! You’re a great friend! You can adapt to either situations! And I’m like: well the flipside is does Grace have a fixed personality? Who knows? It’s confusing. (Why did I have to say that like that? Is that what I really think of myself? What will all these strangers who barely know me think of me saying something so harsh about myself?)

As I write this post right now, I kind of can’t stop thinking about that moment right now, an hour later after that comment as I’m about to sleep. And that moment reminds me of another moment earlier in the day where I wasn’t sensitive to my sister’s feelings, even though I did sense that something was up. And that moment brought up the crappy sensation I had to deal with since waking up for an 8AM call, and someone saying something that kind of disagreed with my suggestion, and I took that personally (even though I didn’t really want to suggest anything and said something to fill the airspace).

Anyway, the point to sharing with you my thought patterns is that:

Anxiety is a relentless avalanche, unless you forgive yourself first.

So before I sleep, I’ll be spending some time to be kind to myself, to be grateful for the good that God has brought to my life today. After all, the day wasn’t bad; I’m just human.

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