Lent 2020 – Day 18

I spent the entire day nursing the worst headache I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Because of this headache, I literally lost an entire day because I either was asleep, or awake but catatonic, or sitting up but my head could not face down. I got nothing done today, other than catching up on Netflix shows, sending a PDF to friends, and writing this post.

I watched Taylor Tomlinson’s Netflix special aptly titled ‘Quarter Life Crisis’ as one of the many shows I watched in the afternoon (I only watched like 3-4 shows because I got out of bed at 3PM). Honestly, as a fellow 25 year old, it hurt to watch the show.

For one, she’s 25 and has a Netflix special. I’m turning 25 and I literally couldn’t get out of bed or look at my phone or computer for more than 5 minutes because of a headache. Also the things she talked about were also problems I related to, it felt too real instead of funny. Also, it hurt because I couldn’t laugh, because I had a headache. What a time to be alive and in the best time of my life, my twenties.

A moment of today that felt like a breath of fresh air was during my sporadic reading “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” (remember, I could only look down for 5 minutes max before I feel like dying). She writes:

The most tightly knit aspects of life snag, unravel, and disintegrate before our very eyes.

And so we are epically disappointed.

But we aren’t talking about it.

We don’t even feel permission to do so or we just don’t know how to process our disappointments. Especially not in Bible study or Sunday church. Because everyone says, “Be grateful and positive, and let your faith boss your feelings around.”

And I do believe we need to be grateful and positive and let our faith boss our feelings around. But I also think there’s a dangerous aspect to staying quiet and pretending we don’t get exhausted by our disappointments.

Lysa Terkeust

I hate impersonal catchphrases that are aimed to comfort me during my current seasons – ‘you’ll be okay’, ‘just have more faith’, ‘God’s got a plan’, ‘exercise more because endorphins’. Empty and pitying words won’t cure my health – being present for me, listening to me (by waiting for me to speak), and being patient with me is more than enough.

Something I struggle with is being open and vocal with my needs. I’m getting better at it with the help of a counsellor, and writing these Lent prayers every single day.

So I keep writing and challenging myself to share because I want you, reading this, to know that God’s not scared of our laments. We have the Psalms, and David was considered the best worshipper of all time. Keep wrestling, keep demanding answers – God’s really not scared. After all, if He’s truly in control, He can handle our emotions.

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