Lent 2020 – Day 38

Today was the first time I was able to talk about a past relationship the way I wanted to talk about it. It’s been a while since I was given the space to be emotional, to have the pace of the conversation at my speed, where the attention was completely on me, and I was listened to. The boy was the first and last person to create that kind of space for me.

Granted, I am paying a counsellor to listen to me and my 101 worries about me. But a counsellor’s job isn’t to be a sponge – it’s to be a mirror. A special kind of mirror to be clear – the kind of mirror that brings out the best in us, that shows us the good that is still in us.

When people have asked about this past relationship, they expect me to trash the boy, say cruel and cathartic things to vilify the other person. And everyone’s been thoroughly disappointed that I won’t, because either I’m not ready to talk about it with them, or that I won’t say anything bad about it. And worse, when I think I’m ready I actually tell them how I feel, which all sums up to how I feel that he was one of the best things to ever have happened to me, they get frustrated with me.

So I am very grateful for my counsellor that allowed me to talk about the good that has been pent up in me. To be with me as I continue the process of grieving by doing what no other human has been able to do for me in the recent days.

God has always been like that for me. He always listens, allowing me to simply be, and absorbing the pain with each tear I’ve cried.

As she listened, she started to hold up the metaphorical mirror, allowing my own words reflect back into my face.

She reminded me, through all that I said (and I said a lot), that he was good for me, I was good for him, and we had something beautiful. And, she reminded me, through what I already knew, that we were always on different spiritual wavelengths, and more importantly: this season of singleness for both of us is absolutely necessary for everyone – him, me, my friends going through relationship issues, my friends going through break-ups, people reading this blogpost, and whoever else that ends up being affected by this.

God doesn’t just absorb the pain, He takes off our past but never leaves us naked and ashamed. He covers us with His grace provided by His Son, warming our hearts with His goodness provided by His Spirit. And He sees me as I am, loved and whole once more.

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